Saturday, December 26, 2020

Reflections on the Day I lost my Dad - on Christmas


Yesterday marked two years since I lost my Dad. It might seem at first thought that losing a parent on Christmas would put a huge damper on the holiday from that point on, but for me it has worked to the contrary. All the activity and the traditions and togetherness overshadow my sadness on that day. I don't mind talking about it, and I appreciate when people check in on me. But I'm not sad on Christmas because of losing my Dad. When I think of that day, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. I remember all the ways that God used the people He placed in my inner circle to show His love to me when I suddenly switched to autopilot, putting one foot in front of the other out of sheer muscle memory: how my husband and my son just sat with me while I cried, how my sister in law and brother in law finished up the Christmas dinner that I had abandoned at the news, how my family was already there with me, how Christmas carried on while I zoned out (which sounds like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I didn't want everyone else to miss out because I just had the ultimate curve ball thrown at me, so I was glad that everything didn't come to a halt on account of me), how the following day my husband and I left for OKC to help with the arrangements, and my JJ put together Savannah's new doll house for her, and how he, with the help of my in laws, held down the fort while Brad and I were gone. 

On Christmas Day these days, I'm even more overwhelmed with gratefulness for all those I still have, and the nature of the holiday itself always has me feeling the love. It still doesn't seem real that Dad's not here though. I caught myself panicking for just a split second that I hadn't even thought about what I was getting him for Christmas this year. I do miss him. Christmas was one of his favorites. He always brought his electric guitar and sang Christmas Carols with the kids, rock and roll style. And I could ALWAYS count on him to buy all the noisy toys for all my kids.

I think New Years Eve will continually be the hard one for me, because he had plans to come up and spend that day with us 2 years ago. I was really looking forward to it. Ringing in 2019 was hard without him. But I'll never forget being curled up on the couch at my mom's house with a blanket over my head that night, just waiting for midnight to come and go so I could put the kids to bed and go to sleep, and my oldest brother walked in the door with a huge smile on his face. His eyes twinkled and he spoke as if he'd been waiting for just the right time to tell a big secret, "Have you seen the snow? You have come out and see this." Reluctantly, I forced myself off the couch and followed him out, expecting something quite unremarkable. To my surprise, a thick white soft blanket lit up the whole neighborhood, while giant snowflakes fell quietly from the dark sky. We spent the next hour breaking through dark heavy grief, laughing and playing with my kids, building a snow man, throwing snowballs, and making snow angels. My Dad loved the snow. I believe God was caring for me that night too, entering into my sadness with me, and bringing forth light and hope when the darkness was closing in, using the simple joys of life that reminded me of my dad to lift my spirits when I needed it most.

I know of a handful of people who have lost loved ones on special holidays this year. I hope these words are an encouragement to you, and that the Lord makes His love and care known to you in ways that are personal and unmistakeable. And while these small glimpses of His love may be the most tangible, I pray they point us all to the greater gift of His son, who took care of our greatest need and our deepest desire when He went to the cross to bring us into his family and set us free forever!

Merry Christmas to you all and a here's to a happier year ahead. 

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Hope in Light of Trial and Error Parenting

A parent’s love for their children is unlike any other love that can possibly be experienced. No one will ever love your kids the same way you do. Who else wants the whole world for them? Who else wants all their dreams to come true? You want to protect them - body, heart, and soul. You never want them to hurt, even though you know sometimes they need to in order to be able to learn and grow. You want them to have healthy relationships, you want them to be confident, to have integrity, to see them thrive and overcome life’s obstacles with grace. You want them to have good friends and to be a good friend. You want them to discover their passion and pursue it. Basically, you want all the cheesy lyrics to I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack for them. Look them up! It’s just the truth. (Honestly, who else naturally considers these things for anyone other than their own children? It truly is a unique kind of love!) But mostly, for me and so many of you … you want them to know and love Jesus. There are so many things we do as Christian parents that attempt to facilitate knowledge and promote love for Jesus. We sing to them, we read Bible stories to them, we pray with them, we talk through conflict with them through gospel lenses, we take them to church.

And yet, raising our children in light of this kind of love for them involves so much trial and error, doesn’t it? There’s no one size fits all handbook. Every family unit has its own unique set of values, spoken and unspoken, and every kid is different within each family unit. There is no one to give you parenting evaluations but yourself, and no set rubric to follow. There are principles in the Bible that are to be taught, but no set way to teach them, you just … trial and error. What works for one family or one kid may not work for another.  I have rooted myself in the belief that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time. I’ve seen lots of great kids come out of horrible family situations, and I’ve seen too many great families lose their kids too early to depression or addiction. So we can’t even always judge the quality of our parenting skills by how our kids end up. The bottom line is so long as we do whatever we do out of love for our kids, we've done our job and should be able to sleep at night. 


But sometimes it becomes clear over time that we made some bad calls for them along the way. Given the one-of-a-kind love described above and all that we want and hope for our kids, parenting failures are especially crushing. I wish we could say that we learn everything we need to know about life before we become parents, so that we have all the answers by the time our kids arrive. Sadly, I’m here to tell you from experience - we keep learning. We fail miserably sometimes, and we don’t even know it until the damage has been done …  even when we made that choice out of love and we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. With that said, the Lord is faithful and will redeem ALL our parenting failures in His time and I pray often that He will use mine as a part of their salvation story someday. So when I do mourn a failure, I tether myself to the truth that God is a miracle worker. He is bigger than I could ever dream I am, and He specializes in making beautiful things out of dust.


But still. Sometimes our choices, though well intentioned, have unintended consequences. So when something doesn't work well the first time around, we evaluate and adjust for subsequent children, even knowing God is sovereign over our methods. One thing I wish I had done differently in my early parenting years in attempt to facilitate knowledge and promote love for Jesus, is how I handled the church experience for my young children. I am thankful to belong to a local church family who holds the philosophy that worship is a total family experience (meaning while there is usually nursery care for parents who wish to use it, all children are welcome in what the Baptists would call “big church”, and there is no separate church service for elementary and up). However, I now see how as a young parent I put undue pressure on my oldest son during this time, to stay awake, sit still, face forward etc... I focused so much on his behavior and his having a posture of “active listening” that we exasperated each other, but I was determined to make sure my child heard every life-giving word that was spoken on the off chance that this would be the day the Lord would use those words to bring him to a saving knowledge of Jesus, even at the young age of 5. This to me was part of “training up a child in the way he should go…” as if the other 6 days of the week shepherding him at home were not quite as hopeful as this one hour of corporate worship. I made him sit still and listen out of a sincere desire to facilitate knowledge and promote love for Jesus. The outcome? Well, it's significant to note that now that it's up to him he hasn't chosen church for himself yet. Could one meaningful factor be that he doesn't have super fond memories of the rigid experience I created for him as a child?  ... and while this may not be indicative of his relationship with Jesus, I still wonder ... could I have better fostered a love in his heart for worship with fellow believers if I'd just treated him with a little more grace ...?


Today I marched into worship with my 4 younger kids. We were a little late (again), and there were no open seats to fit our family in the back. So we had to sit toward the front. I carried puzzles, drawing tablets, a Noah’s Ark toy, and colored gel pens in a bag for all 4 of them. At one point they were all in the floor, coloring, drawing, or playing. Although they were quiet, mostly not talking, and only soft whispers if they did, they were clearly not … paying attention. I wrestle with this inwardly. I found myself so self conscious as I looked around and saw other kids sitting so nicely and quietly with their parents, longing for my kids to want to be like them. I apologized to the man sitting in our row and the couple behind us, if my kids were distracting. But of course, they were all very gracious and sweet and understanding, even commending of my kids for how well behaved they were. Yet, even as I type this I wince a little because I know I could make them sit still and face forward. I’ve done it before. But here’s the thing. I’ve also seen the result, and I wonder … what if I just let them be kids in worship? What if they just need church to be a safe place where they can be who they are, and be loved for that? What if, as long as they are quiet and not distracting to those around us, this is the way the Lord works in their little hearts to better enjoy coming to church? In the early church, when Paul’s letters were read aloud where families gathered, is it so far fetched to think that some of the boys may have been, I don’t know, casting lots quietly for fun to pass the time while their parents took in the knowledge they would then disseminate throughout the week to them in sound bytes their brains could better digest? 


Maybe I’m making a bad call now. Maybe I made a good call before and maybe it just hasn’t manifested itself yet. I may never know, but here's the beauty of it - God is at work either way. He’s given me the principles, but left the methods up to me for my own family. He has called me into the service of shepherding their hearts, but He alone has the power to change them. 


For sure this is not a one size fits all issue. Every kid, every family, every local church culture is different. There is grace for all of that on my end. I don’t have it figured out. But here’s what I know: I am thankful to feel the freedom and grace from the pulpit in my local church to make these choices for my family. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. As long as we do what we do out of love for our kids, we should be able to sleep at night, and finally, God is sovereign over my parenting choices, bigger than my parenting failures, and He will redeem them and make them beautiful in His time. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

10 years, 5 kids, and a few mortgages later

We had the entire restaurant part of the bar to ourselves. In the room next door, the music blared, voices roared, smoke rings rose to the ceiling. You'd think our quiet side was the lonely one, just the two of us in a booth made for 6, but alas... something told me theirs was way more the lonlier indeed.

I sat studying his face in the most recent photo taken of us, just earlier that evening. "Sometimes I wonder," a lump formed in my throat, "if that sparkle in your eye is gone."

"What do you mean?" he asked curiously.

"I mean, I look at this picture and I wonder if that's a proud and smug look on your face, or if it says 'Holy hell, what have I done? I have 5 kids and this lady still standing next to me. Where did my life go?' "

He laughed and made a joke. And we moved on to something else. Soon it was time to go. I started to excuse myself to the ladies room, and something in his voice prompted me to pause when I arose.

"I will say this...." He stared ahead, nodding ever so slightly. "I've been to war a couple of times..... I've helped bring 4 of my kids into this world.....There's just not much that really excites me anymore..." He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully at me.

I nodded. I knew what he meant. What does one do for excitement once he's been to the moon and back?

"...But YOU excite me. You still do."

He took the breath right out of my chest.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Grace is no accident

I write only because so much grace has been extended to me, I can't keep silent, even though I don't want to relive it or even really talk about it. Praise the Lord everyone is ok, but I'm pretty sure my car is totaled. I was taking JJ to a birthday party. The babies were with me, but the 2 middles were at home thank God. It was my fault. I didn't see her until it was too late. I was turning left into a neighborhood. I don't know how I didn't see her, but I just didn't. I think maybe the hill cast a shadow and the position of the sun had a part. I had sunglasses on, her car was black.  I think I was looking ahead of her at the top of the hill for oncoming cars. I don't know. When I saw her I knew she was going to hit me so I punched the gas to avoid JJ and Dawson getting hit head on, which worked but the impact was still hard and scary. She had no time to react, so she hit with full force going maybe 45-50 mph.
When the accident happened, Jesus made His presence known immediately and in so many ways. My JJ. If ever you have an emergency, I'm sorry for him, but I hope he is with you. He is a calm, soothing, rational, clear-headed, and strong person in an emergency situation. He immediately starts thinking about what needs to be done. My Vannah. After she calmed down and we were waiting for the police, I held her in my lap. All of a sudden, a heavy cloud of guilt fell over me and I broke into tears. Fire trucks, sirens, lights, crying mommy, strangers, a blaring horn from the other vehicle .... she had every reason to be afraid, nervous, confused, hysterical. But God put a song in her heart and she sang softly instead. "Jesus loves me, this I know ...." My Trinity family. One phone call to a friend and she was on switchboard duty, contacting 2 others nearby who showed up promptly to help wrangle my kids and clean out the car and take us home. Our pastor and friend came to our house after a full day of driving to and from Texas, just to see us face to face and pray with us and over us. The lady in the other vehicle. She came and held my hand and talked sweetly to my kids as we waited for police and fire. Highway patrol, Owasso Fire, Wrecker Service. All empathic. Our insurance company. USAA is so good to us. Period. I'm sure they have every reason to be callused and business-like, but they seem genuinely concerned and eager to help. I wonder if "servant's heart" is a requirement for a job there? My husband. I keep asking him to chew me out, but he just won't do it. He is the most gracious person I know. He just heaps grace upon grace on me. He takes care of all the details, he was on the phone with the insurance company as soon as we got home. He arranged the rental. He drove me to pick it up. Wouldn't it be so easy for him to say, "You were the one responsible, you get on the phone and handle it." But no. He takes care of me. I'm so thankful. Sick to my stomach about what happened and especially the what if's. But I thank God for all the ways that he showed up and ministered to me in the last 24 hours through people. He's real and He's here and He's willing and able to give grace in our time of need.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Get a toy for Dawson to play with

This morning I took Dawson into Savannah's room with me to get her out of bed. He crawled around exploring the space and the toys as I got her dressed. From where she was laying, she monitored and bossed his every move. Once finished, she stayed one step ahead of him, taking everything taking everything he reached for out of reach.

"No. No. No." She'd scold.

Me: Savannah, why don't you give him something he CAN play with.

Savannah: (blank stare )

Me: Go get Dawson a toy.

Savannah: (Blank stare)

Me: Can Dawson play with something?

Savannah: (Nods sweetly)

Me: What can he play with?

Savannah: (points to me ) Your lap.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Up and Down

Over the last few days, we've noticed  Savannah raising her arms in a little dance at random times and singing, "UP and down. UP and down." I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what song she is singing. It's obviously a song about opposites. She sings "up" in a high pitch and "down" in a low pitch. Do I sing a song to her about opposites? Is she hearing it on Sesame Street? On an app on my phone? In the nursery at church? I want to be invited to her little party, but I don't know the rest of the words! So last night watching music videos on You Tube, it dawned on me. She's not singing UP and down. She's singing UPTOWN! (Or maybe she IS, and it's her very first Ruttman Family Misheard Lyric... gasp! Sniff, sniff, tear... special moment... so proud.)

Friday, February 6, 2015

Super Bowl 2015: Just Another Excuse To Hang Out With Family

Super Bowl Sunday. Packed house. Excellent food and pretty good beer. My hands were free and I had just finished a most delicious hot bowl of beer chili. How on earth did this mother of five just manage to do that, I wondered? The conversations and laughter and children’s squealing melted together and faded into the background as I took a moment to soak it all in. The baby was being entertained by a couple of the teenagers nearby. The one who held him made cheerful eye contact with him and responded tenderly to all of his cues. I became curious and looked around. Sure enough, none of the babies were being held by their own parent, except one who was still pretty new. All the others were being tended to by somebody else. One mother instinctively grabbed a tissue just in time to wipe the nose of another mother’s toddler as he strode by. My toddler weaved through the crowd, going from one person to the next, pointing to whatever appetizing thing she discovered on each person’s plate, dazzling them with her cheesy grin and signs for “please”. Someone picked her up and took her to fill a plate of her own without so much as a glance my way. My two middle boys, along with several others around their age, found plenty to keep themselves busy upstairs: toys, costumes, you name it. But mostly they just wanted to play together. They chased each other in and out of rooms, thundered down the stairs, out the door, back in. Someone warned them all to slow down and be careful around the babies. My oldest bounced around, equally as engaged in conversation by the adults as he was in wrestling with the children and brain games with the other kids his age. Those who cared about the game kicked back in the living room, shouting at the tv from time to time and swapping sports stories that morphed into stories about life. Those who didn’t care about the game gathered in the kitchen, connecting lives, sharing experiences, and building community, one conversation at a time.



People often ask why we chose Trinity. Here is just one reason among many, and it’s not even the most important one: our pastor and his wife opened their home on Super Bowl Sunday, and it felt just like going home to hang out with family.