Cuatro ----> Cinco

New Year's Eve 2013. The plan was for me to pack us all up while Brad was at work, and then pick him up from the base and head to Moore to ring in the new year with my family. Everything was going according to plan until the pregnancy test that I picked up on a whim came up positive.

Right there in big black letters: PREGNANT. No matter how fertile I have been in the past, nothing could have prepared me for this moment. So many thoughts clouded my ability to rationally process this result. FIVE children. I honestly thought God would hold off on giving us another baby until we had made a decision to TRY for another one. Savannah is only 7 months old. I did the math. 15 months apart. I tried to remember what it was like when Coleman was born and Christian was 13 months old. The first two years were such a blur, I can't even remember who met what milestone when. We were doing well to keep our heads above water during that time. A tear ran down my cheek. I felt guilty for being even just a little upset and worried over the life that God had carefully placed in my womb and is knitting together as I type. So many of my friends have tried and tried and are unable to conceive, and God has given us this gift and I can't muster up the proper initial response of praise, gratefulness, and unrestrained joy? And I cried even more so because I was overcome with a feeling of unworthiness and fear and doubt that I could be a good mother to FIVE children, when each of them are at different stages and have different needs at any given moment. It was in these moments that I was driven to prayer:

Lord, you have given us another life to shepherd. I don't know WHY you think this is a good idea. But for what ever reason, you do and I trust You, be it ever so weakly in this moment. I am so doubtful of my ability to be a good mother to five children, but may Your strength be made perfect in my weakness. I know you will be with me. I know you love me despite my failures. I know you will help me. There is an abundance of grace to help in my time of need. Help me, Lord. Thank you for this life. Thank you for the opportunity to raise another child to honor you. Help me. Lord, please prepare the hearts of the 3 boys to receive this news joyfully. Please Lord, help them be happy. 

Then I started laughing. I giggled and giggled like a little girl. I still find myself laughing when I consider God's humor in this plan of his. How on earth was I was going to break the news to Bradley? I certainly didn't want to do it in the car on the way to Moore. Maybe he could come home just a little early... I called him at work and sure enough, he had just been informed that he could leave a little early and come home before heading to Moore. Yessss.

As soon as he walked in the door, I started...
"You know, I've been thinking..."
"Uh-oh...."
"Yeah, get ready... I don't usually make New Years' Resolutions, but I think I'm going to this year."
"Oh yeah?" (What change is she going to try and impose on the rest of us???)
"Yeah. I need to start managing my time better."
"Do you think you manage your time poorly?" (What is she going to do????)
"Well, kind of. I mean, you know, I'm always late to things. And I really just need to be a better steward of my time and everyone else's."
"Ok..."
"So I figure.... what better way to end 2013 than to be late for ONE LAST THING before I start my New Year's Resolution." Then FWA-PSH. I whipped out the pregnancy test from my back pocket.
"NO WAY!!! NO WAY!!! WHAT??? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??"

Ahhhhh... that was fun. If you want to know how HIS inner-monologue went, you'll have to ask him. :)