All to Him I Owe

“Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe…”

The lyrics to this popular hymn are so very rich. But I confess. I have been a theological snob about this line in particular. I pick things apart sometimes, and draw unnecessary lines in the sand. It has taken a lot of repentance and faith to deal with the sin of defending the truth of Scripture out of pride, so I’ve wrestled with this one silently in my heart up until it recently dawned on me that maybe I’ve been looking at this ALL WRONG.

Maybe you just sing it, not really thinking that hard about it. More likely, the lyric simply reminds you that because of the gospel, you find joy in offering your life as a living sacrifice to Jesus… which is scriptural, and not a burden, and in which case it is entirely possible that I am WAY overthinking it.

But if you’re anything like me, “All to him I owe” makes you uneasy. Jesus paid it all, so now I owe Him? That can’t be true. Following this line of reasoning, I’m still in debt. I’ve got to pay him back with my life: my good deeds, my own righteousness. I have an obligation now to give him recompense for his death, burial, and resurrection on my behalf. And that’s not good news! That’s a heavy weight to bear! Like, really, really heavy! Jesus Paid It All. Period. Nothing do I owe. Isn’t that the whole point of the gospel?

But what if … just what if… “All to him I owe” refers to the credit due to Jesus for paying my debt in full? Jesus paid it ALL. I owe him all the credit for my righteouness. Whoa … now that’s good news. And it puts a super cool shift in perspective on the whole rest of the song, especially the next two lines. I don’t know the writer’s original intent, but I think I’ll go with that from now on, and sing my heart out with reckless abandon. My public apologies in advance to the folks in the row in front of me. 

1. I hear the Savior say,
   “Thy strength indeed is small;
   Child of weakness, watch and pray,
   Find in Me thine all in all.”
   • Refrain:
     Jesus paid it all,
     All to Him I owe;
     Sin had left a crimson stain,
     He washed it white as snow.
2. For nothing good have I
   Whereby Thy grace to claim;
   I’ll wash my garments white
   In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
3. And now complete in Him,
   My robe, His righteousness,
   Close sheltered ’neath His side,
   I am divinely blest.
4. Lord, now indeed I find
   Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
   Can change the leper’s spots
   And melt the heart of stone.
5. When from my dying bed
   My ransomed soul shall rise,
   “Jesus died my soul to save,”
   Shall rend the vaulted skies.
6. And when before the throne
   I stand in Him complete,
   I’ll lay my trophies down,
   All down at Jesus’ feet.

Something to chew on

If the Bible is true and if the biblical definition of sin is “disobeying God in thought, word or deed,” then first and foremost we must admit in humbleness of heart that we are ALL on level playing ground, none of us superior to another. None of us has any room to boast about the degree to which we live a godly life, for sin is not merely what we do, but who we ARE. We are in desperate need of the righteousness of Christ, the only perfect One, if we are to have any hope at all of being reconciled to a holy God.

One challenge we Christians face is that we live in a culture that does not define sin in the same way. In our country individuals generally can enjoy the freedom to do anything as long as it doesn’t harm someone else. As the old saying goes, “The freedom to swing my fist ends where the other guy’s nose begins.” Under the constitution, individuals are granted the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As Americans, we have the constitutional “right” to indulge in many different perfectly legal sins, though as Christians living by God’s grace we choose to refrain. For example, if I think food makes me happy, then I have the constitutional right to eat myself into a coma. Is gluttony ok? No, and yet in our country there is no law against it because I’m not technically harming anyone else. If I think being lazy will make me happy, then I have the constitutional right to sit on my couch for as long as I want. Is sloth ok? No, and yet there is no law against it. Self-glorification, greed, and pride are all examples of perfectly “legal” sins, because they are not technically inflicting harm on someone else, and we would not expect nor advocate for laws to be enforced to prevent them. As long as I have the right to refrain from these things, I’m content.

So, same sex marriage is the hot topic of the day. Is it in the realm of possibility for Christians hold to our biblical view of marriage, while peacefully allowing the government to recognize same sex marriage? I know it can be difficult and confusing at times, but it is possible right?

Do I believe that same sex marriage is ok?  No.

Do I believe that same sex marriage messes with God’s natural order? Yes.

Do I believe that same sex marriage violates God’s intended picture of Christ and the Church? Yes.

Do I love my gay friends and family for who they are? Yes. They know I do.

Do I believe it’s necessary to impose my belief system on the rest of America even though many of them do not even claim to be Christians? No.

Do I believe I am somehow departing from the faith or condoning sin by not taking a stand against government recognition of same sex marriage? No.

Do I believe that the government should prevent same sex couples from the same government benefits that straight couples have? No.

Civil rights activists and religious fundamentalists are all up in each other’s grill about this issue. Sometimes I do fear the natural consequences on our country of legalizing same sex marriage, but I still think the root of the issue is being missed once again. When push comes to shove, we must remember that you can make a law and enforce it from a behavioral standpoint, but you can’t force anyone to personally adopt a belief system, ESPECIALLY one that claims to be a divine revelation. The problem on both sides of the coin (sinful indulgence vs. self-righteous pride) has always been and always will be, a matter of the heart. And hearts will NEVER be changed by political legislation.  Hearts are God’s jurisdiction and are changed by the power of the gospel. We can pray for, minister to, build relationships with, and share the gospel of Jesus with our gay friends, but it is NOT our responsibility to govern them or change them. It is not our job to make them adhere to our belief system or hold to our values. There is a fine line between showing Christian love and condoning sin, but if I’m going to err, I’ll err on the side of grace. As long as the good news is being proclaimed of Christ’s death on behalf of sinners and His victory over sin, death, and hell, I have hope for America… regardless of what is legal or not.

A Blessing in Disguise

Twas the middle of the night, early morning shall I say?

Not a creature was stirring, ‘cept the new babe where he lay.

Ugh. Why does everyone else get to sleep? All 4 of the others AND the clown emeritus of our family circus seem to sleep happily right through his hunger cries. I pry my eyes open several minutes after the fussiness coming from the baby monitor has worked its way into my dream. I fumble for my glasses and glance at the clock.

3:34

Hmph. I just KNEW he would sleep through the night tonight. For Pete’s sake, he’s 6 weeks old already! He’s practically full grown! Will I ever get a full night’s rest again? Grrrr…

So as not to disturb the slumbering bear beside me, I slip quietly out of bed, stumble quite gracefully up the stairs with my eyes still closed, and enter his room. I gently touch his back to let him know I’m here, and raise him up to my face. He smells so good, even after the Baby Magic has worn off. We settle into the glider and he latches.

During the chaos of the day I sat down to feed him at least 5 times, but I was always multitasking: settling an argument between the middle two boys, feeding a snack or reading a book to my toddler, checking Facebook, responding to texts, trying to pull teeth- er, I mean- have a conversation with my preteen about his day at school, barking orders, making checklists, grocery lists, thank you card lists, birthday party guest lists… you get the idea. Tonight, it’s just baby D and me. No distractions. No background noise. In the still of the night, the soft sound of his sweet gulps brings a smile to my heart, reminding me how cool it is to be the sole source of nutrition for this little guy. Without me, he doesn’t eat. I get to fill his tummy and satisfy his hunger. It is during this time that I collect him. In the dim light that peeks around half-closed bathroom door right outside his room, I study the curves of his cheeks, the lines in his palms, the thickness of his little fingers, the shape of his nose. I note that he tucks his thumbs inside his fists when he sleeps just like I do.  My eyes are heavy. I rest my head on the back of the glider and doze off to the sound of his swallows. Just minutes later, he pulls away. He squirms and grunts and fidgets and gripes until he gets in exactly the right position. Then all of a sudden, peaceful rest spreads across his sweet little face and he settles into a rhythmic breathing. Seconds later, you can count on his eyelids to flutter, and a gigantic smile to break out, showing those two heart-melting dimples. On a lucky night, I get a sneak peek of his laugh, as he gives a soft chuckle at whatever movie he's watching behind those lazy eyelids...

I listen closely to his breath, watch his chest rise and fall as I snuggle him close, and thank God for designing this blessing in disguise: this interrupted sleep cycle that has miraculously turned into quality time that I will never get to relive. This time that only I get to have with him, and really the only unplugged time I take with him. I press my lips to his forehead, lay him back in his crib, and run my hand tenderly over his baby soft hair. Pausing there at his bed before returning to mine, I realize. 3:34 has ironically just become one of my most favorite parts of the day.

Open Letter to the Thief at the Martinez Family Reunion

Dear Family Reunion Thief:

Having had some time to process through denial, confusion, disbelief, disappointment, hurt, and then anger, my heart has settled into sheer pity and finally hope for the family member who deliberately put their hands in my mother’s purse, stole the cash out of her wallet, and tossed the wallet in the women's restroom trash at this past week’s FAMILY REUNION. That’s right, folks, there's a thief in the family. Might want to secure your personal belongings next year because someone in the family wasn't taught as a toddler not to take things that don't belong to them. Wow, ok, so maybe there’s still a trace of anger, but I will keep working on it. 

It’s personal. When my mom married into the Martinez family, she really married the entire family and embraced you as her own. She has been there consistently over the years for anyone who needed her for any reason. She is well known for having given of her time, her energy, her emotions, her resources, her home, you name it, it has been on the table as an open heart OFFERING as much as (if not more than) any blood family member. She has never withheld anything she can give freely to anyone in the family, and never once has she done anything out of expectation for something back. If you needed $100, she would have given it to you if you had asked.

But I don’t think you really needed it. I think you are probably a slave to some sort of addiction. Maybe it’s drugs. Maybe it’s just the thrill of getting away with taking in a matter of minutes what may have taken several days for someone else to earn. Whatever it is, ironically, shame kept you from just asking for it, but didn’t prevent you from stealing it. 

Whoever you are, you were meticulous. You were crafty. You were stealthy. You pulled it off in broad daylight in a room full of people who trusted you. No one saw you do it…. which leads me to believe that you’ve done this many times before, that this is a regular part of life for you, and you will likely do it again. Please don’t. 

Someone has tempted you to believe you’ve gotten away with being a thief because no one caught you. But that is a LIE. DON’T believe it! You haven’t gotten away with anything. God knows the intentions of your heart. And it’s not looking so good for you at the moment. You may have a false sense of satisfaction, accomplishment, pride even. Misdirected revenge for a life that has been hard for you. My heart aches for you that you are enslaved to such a life of dishonest gain, self-centeredness, and shame. I’m sad to consider that you have trusted in something so counterfeit. It’s like being perfectly happy playing in the sewer when it’s free admission day at Disney World right behind you if you would just turn and look.  I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that Jesus is better. He’s the real deal. He’s better than money. He’s better than drugs. True satisfaction in life comes only through a relationship with him, and he’s more thrilling than anything this world has offered you.  

Please. For your own sake and for the sake of those you love, who are no doubt influenced by your lifestyle: Turn away from a life of slavery to counterfeit pleasure and look to Jesus to be free. Don’t let dishonest gain, addiction, and self-centeredness be the legacy you leave behind. Let Jesus be your legacy. Invest in a relationship with him. Get to know him.

Mom has kissed that money goodbye. That’s not what this is about anymore. This is about a window into your soul that has revealed darkness. My hope for you is to let Jesus bring light into the darkness. There were thieves on either side of Jesus when he hung on a bloody Roman cross. One mocked him and is now paying an eternal debt for his sin, while the other one turned to him and is now experiencing an eternity of freedom from it. As long as there’s breath in you, there’s hope for you. But why on earth would you want to wait until your last breath to experience freedom from slavery? Turn to Jesus, be forgiven, and be at peace. 

Love covers anger. 

Cuatro ----> Cinco

New Year's Eve 2013. The plan was for me to pack us all up while Brad was at work, and then pick him up from the base and head to Moore to ring in the new year with my family. Everything was going according to plan until the pregnancy test that I picked up on a whim came up positive.

Right there in big black letters: PREGNANT. No matter how fertile I have been in the past, nothing could have prepared me for this moment. So many thoughts clouded my ability to rationally process this result. FIVE children. I honestly thought God would hold off on giving us another baby until we had made a decision to TRY for another one. Savannah is only 7 months old. I did the math. 15 months apart. I tried to remember what it was like when Coleman was born and Christian was 13 months old. The first two years were such a blur, I can't even remember who met what milestone when. We were doing well to keep our heads above water during that time. A tear ran down my cheek. I felt guilty for being even just a little upset and worried over the life that God had carefully placed in my womb and is knitting together as I type. So many of my friends have tried and tried and are unable to conceive, and God has given us this gift and I can't muster up the proper initial response of praise, gratefulness, and unrestrained joy? And I cried even more so because I was overcome with a feeling of unworthiness and fear and doubt that I could be a good mother to FIVE children, when each of them are at different stages and have different needs at any given moment. It was in these moments that I was driven to prayer:

Lord, you have given us another life to shepherd. I don't know WHY you think this is a good idea. But for what ever reason, you do and I trust You, be it ever so weakly in this moment. I am so doubtful of my ability to be a good mother to five children, but may Your strength be made perfect in my weakness. I know you will be with me. I know you love me despite my failures. I know you will help me. There is an abundance of grace to help in my time of need. Help me, Lord. Thank you for this life. Thank you for the opportunity to raise another child to honor you. Help me. Lord, please prepare the hearts of the 3 boys to receive this news joyfully. Please Lord, help them be happy. 

Then I started laughing. I giggled and giggled like a little girl. I still find myself laughing when I consider God's humor in this plan of his. How on earth was I was going to break the news to Bradley? I certainly didn't want to do it in the car on the way to Moore. Maybe he could come home just a little early... I called him at work and sure enough, he had just been informed that he could leave a little early and come home before heading to Moore. Yessss.

As soon as he walked in the door, I started...
"You know, I've been thinking..."
"Uh-oh...."
"Yeah, get ready... I don't usually make New Years' Resolutions, but I think I'm going to this year."
"Oh yeah?" (What change is she going to try and impose on the rest of us???)
"Yeah. I need to start managing my time better."
"Do you think you manage your time poorly?" (What is she going to do????)
"Well, kind of. I mean, you know, I'm always late to things. And I really just need to be a better steward of my time and everyone else's."
"Ok..."
"So I figure.... what better way to end 2013 than to be late for ONE LAST THING before I start my New Year's Resolution." Then FWA-PSH. I whipped out the pregnancy test from my back pocket.
"NO WAY!!! NO WAY!!! WHAT??? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??"

Ahhhhh... that was fun. If you want to know how HIS inner-monologue went, you'll have to ask him. :)