“We don’t treat each other
like that. God gave you a brother as a gift. You guys are best friends, you
love each other, you look out for each other! If you two are having a problem
and you can’t work it out with your words, you need to come to me to let me
help you. Now what do you think you should say to each other?”
He grumbles rebelliously
under his breath with his head hung low, “I’m sorry I took the toy from you…
will you forgive me?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I yelled at
you… will you forgive me?” the other one mumbles in a like manner.
Such forced dialogues are a
commonly rehearsed in our home, and are followed by a short speech that goes
something like: “It’s important to learn how to admit when you’ve done wrong
and ask forgiveness. You’re going to mess up a lot in life and it’s important
to practice how to repair your relationships with people, even now, with each
other. I can make you say the words, but I can’t make you mean them in your
heart. Only God can help you do that. I pray your heart will change as you grow
in your understanding of what Jesus did for you when he died on the cross and
rose from the dead to save sinners like us.”
All they seem to hear at that
point is “Waa waa waa waaaaa, waa waa waa waaa.” I take a deep patient breath,
and wonder if God really will ever work in their hearts.
Once JJ asked, “Mom, why do
make us say those words? NOBODY talks like that.”
“Yes I know,” I replied in
typical mom fashion that all kids loathe, “but you’re not ‘nobody’. You’re
somebody. And someday you’re going to marry a somebody, and the sooner you
learn to admit wrong and apologize, the better.”
I can’t blame him. I get it.
He’s right. It’s awkward. It’s not
natural for us to admit wrong. It’s painful! It takes more strength and energy
in the seconds it takes to say “I was wrong, and I’m sorry. Will you please
forgive me?” than it does in the HOURS we’re willing to spend building a case to
justify our offenses.
Christian and Coleman really
are best friends. It’s almost as if they are the same person. They look out for
each other. I have caught them on many occasions putting the other’s wants
ahead of their own. They generally share and take turns willingly. They laugh
and play video games and pretend to be super heroes all day. They get along.
They rarely ever have a conflict, and when they do, it’s usually resolved
easily. They’re guys, they don’t hold grudges anyway.
So I was heartbroken the day
they got into their first real fight.
They were playing with legos
in their bedroom when all of a sudden I heard Christian wailing. I walked in to
find him boo-hooing with his face buried in a pillow under his bed. Coleman was
sitting on the trundle, visibly upset, but not crying. “What on earth is going
on in here?!”
“COLEMAN BIT ME!!”
“CHRISTIAN SLAPPED me REALLY
HARD and it hurt REALLY BAD! He said he was NEVER gonna get off of me and he
wouldn’t let me up!” When he turned his head I saw Christian’s handprint on the
side of his face. I was mortified. This was completely foreign territory to me.
Their conflicts had never escalated this far before.
As if on cue, Brad came home
from work right as I had put them in separate rooms. Thank God, I thought. He
will be much more effective in dealing with this. As he listened to the drama
unfold, his face lit up with every word I spoke. I stopped mid-story.
“Why are you SMILING?!”
“Because they’re BROTHERS!
That’s what brothers do! We should let ‘em fight, just bring ‘em out here in
the middle of the living room and let them duke it out. Yeah! We’ll give ‘em boxing
gloves and turn them loose on each other!”
“What? NO!”
Brad put his game face on and
entered the room where Christian was.
“What’s going on?”
And then it happened, just
like that: a genuine desire to reconcile began to unfold right before our eyes.
After a few seconds of reflection, a look of disgusted self-awareness came over
him. He raised an eyebrow and his forehead wrinkled, “It was actually not very
important really… it was just about legos.”
He proceeded to give an accurate account of the sequence of events from the
beginning. It turns out, Christian was building an animal out of legos and
Coleman wanted to use the eye for something he was building. Christian refused
to give it to him, and Coleman started yelling at him, telling him he HAD to.
Christian got tired of Coleman yelling, so he hauled off and put his handprint
on the side of his face. Then they fought for a little bit. Christian used his
size to his advantage, pounced on Coleman and vowed never to let him up. That’s
when Coleman sunk his teeth into Christian’s shoulder, causing him to recant
and hide under the bed. After this explanation, Brad asked, “So, who was
wrong?” Christian answered, “Coleman was I think…” then he confessed, “actually
both of us were wrong. And I just now thought about something… I should’ve just
given him the lego.”
“Oh Christian, that would’ve
been nice, but we wouldn’t have made you do that. It’s ok that you didn’t give
it to him. We just want you to come to us if you can’t work something out using
your words.”
Brad left to get Coleman’s
side of the story. Meanwhile, Christian tried to hide the lump in his throat,
but his voice began to crack and giant tears welled up in his eyes as he
climbed into my lap and buried his face in my shoulder, “…but legos are not
important… Your LIFE is important! Legos are just LEGOS. They don’t even mean
anything…” Yes, that sweet music came right out of the heart of my 5 year old
middle guy.
When we joined the two up
again, Brad made them stand in front of him. “Raise your hand if you were
wrong.” Both boys raised their hands.
“Good. That’s right. You were both wrong. Now, I want to teach you boys to grow
up to be strong men, and strong men always THINK before they act. They use
their heads: not their fists, not their teeth. Strong men always THINK first.”
Then, all on their own, they apologized to one another, admitting their
offense, and asking forgiveness of each other from their hearts. And I, well my
heart swelled with thankfulness at the preview of what God is beginning to do
in their hearts.
